


the expense of shame

by babysolie



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, M/M, POV Eren Yeager, eren x armin - Freeform, i might not have all the facts right but oh well, idk what this is, season 4 is really fucking with me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:47:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29754987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babysolie/pseuds/babysolie
Summary: Maybe he deserved it.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Eren Yeager
Comments: 4
Kudos: 35





	the expense of shame

The tide washed over his bare skin, barely creeping up on his ankle before it was slinking back into the sand with haste, as if scared of who it had touched. It was warm, even as the sun was setting. The visage was the sun dipping itself into the ocean to rest, and all Eren could think is that nature was mocking him. 

Maybe he deserved it. 

His arms wrapped around his knees as they lifted up, longer bangs just barely falling in front of olive hues. He was tired. A smaller twitch, and his eyesight was no longer obstructed. He had been sitting out by the sea for hours, and he didn’t plan on pulling away anytime soon, even if the moon was much less forgiving when it sent out each wave. 

A slow breath dragged from his lips. The pitter patter of dry feet against wet sand was enough to make him sit up straighter, but he didn’t look back. With an attuned mind, he knew he wouldn’t have to. 

“It’s going to get cold,” the voice spoke, bordering on cautious, but still tender albeit everything. 

Armin. 

“Mm,” was all Eren managed, head dipping to barely nod. 

Armin’s shadow felt much larger than before. Eren wondered when it became so big-- so suffocating. He still didn’t look over. 

“You’re going to get sick.” 

Another nod, eyes downcast as they met with the darkened granules of sand, toes flexing as they pushed in. Sand flicked over his feet, up towards the exposed part of his leg. His pants were thin, barely tethered to his body.  _ How long have I been living like this?  _ He held his breath before he allowed himself to answer that. 

The slight noise of skin rubbing against skin could only imply that Armin was clenching his fist. Eren could see it, if he would only look up. The disappointment that shredded from a rational layer down to a pit of anger. Eren let the picture of Armin’s expression suffice, since it was something he could see well. Brows furrowed in, the bags under his eyes creasing, his fingers shaking in the other hand because as much as he hated Eren-- he feared him. 

He scoffed out a laugh, pathetically dry. 

_ Is that funny to you? _ is what he expects from Armin next. He expects to feel teardrops in the damp sand next to his body. It’s something he’s familiar with. If it wasn’t Armin, it was Mikasa, and if it wasn’t them… it was the rest, who were almost next to nothing at this point. A fondness forgotten in his heart, nullified by the pain of simply having to continue. 

Instead, he’s met with a fist driving into his cheek, so hard that he fell out of position. His body was strewn against the sand, elbow digging in despite the burning itch the clumps of sand gave, as if to steady himself when he quickly pushed back up. 

There weren't tears in Armin’s eyes. 

A fire, a burning fire. A magma, if one was to really get creative with the description. That was what Eren could see. A volcano way past eruption, and Eren was caught up in the aftershock, threatened to get melted over. 

If he weren’t him, he would be impressed, but he’s himself. 

He’s Eren Jaeger, and it’s quite unfortunate. 

“I’ll kill you,” he said without thinking, voice frigid. It’s a useless defense, and Armin could see right through it. 

“You already did kill me,” Armin said without hesitation, his fist becoming firmly gripped, no tremor to be found. “You killed me a long time ago, Eren.” 

Eren pushed to sit back up, his gaze stuck in place as it met with Armin’s. Rationally, all he could think was that they were different people. The bright blue in Armin’s eyes was gone, those eyes that showed reliance-- admiration, some form of care… they delved into a dull shade, like the murkiness of veins after one has passed. 

It was a sad color. 

He wondered if his eyes were the same, lacking life-- completely devoid. Eren wasn’t one for staring in mirrors for too long. He was mocked enough without his reflection there to add onto it. 

“You’d be dead by now,” a simple answer. 

“Don’t you get it? We have the same fate.”

_ So that was it. That’s what this was.  _

“I never asked for you to join,” and somehow, it feels like a lie, because Eren never asked for anything… yet every twist in his path felt like it was of his own demand. “Don’t blame your misfortune on me.” 

Armin swung again, the second punch hurt a lot more than the first. This time, the blonde shrieked in pain, even if he wasn’t the one being hit. A response to Eren. 

“My misfortune  _ is  _ you,” Armin spat. “Everything wrong that has ever happened to me was because of  _ you _ , and you know that, but you’re too wrapped up in your desire to see it-- you’re  _ sick _ , and you’re disgusting.” 

Blood curdled at the end of Eren’s lips, slowly sliding its way out of the corner, dripping off his chin as Armin’s hand grabbed his shirt, gripping right at the collar. He pulled him close, and it’s inhumane-- the way Eren spits the pool of blood sitting on his tongue onto Armin’s face, staining his cheek. 

“Then kill me,” Eren spat back, the slightest hint of emotion in his voice. “Kill me, since I’m such a cancer to you.” 

“You still don’t get it,” Armin’s tone steeped, as if bathed in mirth-- resentment. “I don’t want you to die.” And he wiped the blood with his free hand, eyebrows knitted inward as he stared down at the other, gaze weighing more than a steel wall ever could. “I want you to suffer. I want you to hurt. I want you to become so full to the brim with grief and demise for yourself that you break down, because I need to see it. I don’t care if I have to wait until it’s the very last year of your sad life, because we were both given the same life sentence.” 

“And if I kill you before we’re 29?” Eren asked, even if his heart rate was picking up, fingers curling into the ground below him, ignoring the seething prickles under his nails that each granule left. 

“I already told you,” Armin threw the other back down, wiping his hand off on his pants, standing before him. “You killed me the moment you made any promises of forever to me.” 

_ Promises of forever, huh…  _

Eren’s eyes moved towards the beach, and he cracked a smile. It’s sad, and awkward on his lips. It feels like a mockery to laugh, but he does it anyways. It’s dry, devoid of anything genuine, and even with a throbbing in his nose-- his cheek, his lip… even with the searing need to retaliate instilled by the hatred he’s groomed into his heart, he could only stare at the pale blue of the sea. 

“Jury’s still out,” Eren finally spoke, eyes closing. Even if Armin’s shadow was suffocating, Eren could bare it.

Maybe he deserved it. 

“... But at least you got to see the ocean.”

**Author's Note:**

> i havent wrote anything aot since the first season dropped, like anything at all, so this might be a little ooc. this is more of a think piece for me, but i really love their relationship and i hate that this is what its become, even if its so painfully realistic. anyways i hope yall enjoyed even if it was brief   
> <3 <3


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